Author's note: For the next few weeks I'm going to be
posting several of the humorous essays that were included in my books. I have
been invited to return to southern Ohio to participate in National Library Week
and will be participating in the local author book fair on April 18 from 1-4 pm
at the Peebles, Ohio library.
I'm super excited to be participating in this event and if
you're in the area please stop by for a chat with me and the rest of my fellow
authors.
The following story is from Reflections On A Middle-Aged Fat Woman:
During a recent overnight business trip, I was excited to
get to stay in a really nice hotel that offered room service. It was late by
the time I finished up my tasks for the day that I didn't really want to
venture out anywhere so I ordered room service.
The book that was in my room that told the specifics about
the hotel and listed the room service menu seemed to be missing a page or two.
Somewhere I had read that they offered breakfast as an option but couldn't find
any breakfast items listed.
I called the front desk and was transferred to a nice lady
that worked in the restaurant. The following is our conversation:
Me: "I'd like to order room service..."
Lady: "Okay, what'll ya have? What'll ya have?"
Me: "I'm sorry. Could you repeat that?"
Lady: "Yes, Ma'am, I said, what'll ya have, what'll ya
have?"
Me: "I'm not sure. Is this room service, or have I called
the Varsity?
Lady: "Oh, you must live around here, don'tcha? I like
to say that to the traveling folks. Makes 'em think they is at the Varsity,
though. Since you is from around here, I'll rephrase my question and ask what
would you like to have for dinner?"
Me: "I'm not sure. My hotel book only lists options for
lunch and late-night dining. It does list a Filet Mignon for $52, but I don't
think I'll order that. You got any seafood plates?"
Lady: "Yep, we sure do. We got a fried shrimp, French
fries and Cole slaw plate for $16, and it's good too."
Me: "Okay, I'll get that." (It was good.)
I called the front desk in the morning and mentioned that my
hotel book was missing a few pages, so when I got back into the room the next
night I was hoping to see what other options might be available. They hadn't
provided me with the missing menu so I had to call again without knowing what I
wanted.
Lady: "Room service. What'll ya have, what'll ya
have?"
Me: "I'd like to order room service, please."
Lady: ""Sure thing, what'll ya have, what'll ya
have?"
Me: "I'm not sure. I don't have a complete menu in my
room..."
Lady: "Lordy, is this the same lady from last
night?"
Me: "Yep, sure is."
Lady: "I told them room cleaners to put you a new book
in there, but I guess they didn't. It figures." Well, what'll ya have
then, what'll ya in the mood for?"
Me: "You got any fried chicken?"
Lady: "Fried chicken? Honey, this ain't the Big Chicken,
but we do have a three-piece platter with smashed taters and a vegetable."
Me: "Sounds goods. What's the vegetable?"
Lady: "Why, collard greens, of course. That's the only
thing that goes good with chicken."
Me: "Hmmm, I don't really like collard greens, you got
anything else?"
Lady: "Harump! Whatcha' mean, you don't like collard
greens? Are ya crazy or somethin'? I thought you said you was from around
here?"
Me: "I live up in the mountains, but I'm originally
from Ohio."
Lady: "Oh, I see. You from north of the sweet tea line,
(that's my favorite line to describe someone from the north) ain't ya? Well, we
ain't got any other vegetables, so I'll send you a double order of taters,
okay?"
It worked for me since mashed potatoes are my favorite food.
The next day during our lunch break we were standing in line
at the small cafeteria in the building where our training was taking place.
Listed on the daily lunch special were fried chicken, mashed potatoes and a
vegetable for only $5.99. "What's the vegetable?" I asked.
You know I already knew the answer to that before the lady
answered in a familiar voice. "What'll ya have, what'll ya have? It's my
first day on the job here and the vegetable of the day is collard greens. Could
you believe someone ordered the fried chicken at the hotel last night and said
they didn't like collard greens?"....
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